


Intentionally Bad Smut to get a Reaction out of Friends (you don't want to read this)

by Avaquet



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alien Sex, F/M, Intentionally Bad, Out of Character, Parody, Sex, Smut, Vaginal Sex, do not take this seriously, look yall this is a PARODY, this is basically a crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:14:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25151440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avaquet/pseuds/Avaquet
Summary: Jaal and Steirwe (pronounced Sara) need to let off some steam, of course they do it in the only way they know how.
Relationships: Jaal Ama Darav & Female Ryder | Sara, Jaal Ama Darav & Ryder, Jaal Ama Darav/Female Ryder | Sara, Jaal Ama Darav/Ryder
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Intentionally Bad Smut to get a Reaction out of Friends (you don't want to read this)

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, it's pronounced "Sara" and everything in this fic is intentional. 1.1k words of cursed imagery. 
> 
> Good luck!

They fucked.

  
  
  
  
  


Oh? You wanted more than that? Pfft, well then, you greedy bastard. Ask and ye shall receive.

  
  


It was a warm sunny night, the wind was freezing the couple and they needed to stop for the night. Off came the armor. Up went the camp from the back of the Nomad. The vehicle was way too uncomfortable to sleep in. Had central heating, space, and they didn’t have to sleep on the floor. It was extraordinarily undesirable. Unlike their eyes for each other. Oh yes, the moment Steirwe tickled Jaal’s kneecaps, they fell for each other. 

Steirwe put on her crocs for she knew that would make Jaal rock hard. She made sure to pull out her new ones with the penis decal on them. She hoped that would be enough to communicate to him that she was in the mood. Because nothing is sexier than unspoken communication.

“Great googily moogily, someone’s wanting to have sex!” Jaal said excitedly. His member wiggling like a suffocating fish in his pants. 

With that, Steirwe began to mash her teeth with his. Lips were overrated anyways. They had nothing else better to do than each other, no time to eat or sleep. It was time for penetration. No time for foreplay! 

They undressed as they bit each other’s teeth. Steirwe kept on her sexy, mouthwatering crocs of course. “Oh heck, your body looks so nice today!” Steirwe squealed out a compliment. 

His wing-wang kept smacking against her thigh in excitement. If it could smile it would. “Wow, thank you!”

“What a great reaction!” Steirwe pulled out the fruit paste to use as lube, because who brings lube on a mission? She slapped it on Jaal’s huge worm. He slowly sat down on his behind, then onto his back. 

Steirwe jumped straight into action. She was so used to this, she didn’t have to align herself before-hand. She simply spread her legs and fell on his hard, throbbing, huge, juicy, biological penetration ligament. “Yeehaw!” She smiled happily as she rode him. Her arms out in a T-pose to mimic his. 

“Radical!” He moaned. “I seriously cannot get over just how sexy your crocs are!”

As she bounced on him seh replied, “I know right? They’re so gnarly!”

Jaal moaned out his own name as his long stick worked the innards of Steirwe. They were now switching positions. It took a second. Like, this second was probably a whole minute. Sixty seconds. Maybe it was only 5. But they switched positions up. Staying in the T-pose of course, nothing sexier. Steirwe was now laying on a thing, the thing doesn’t matter, she was laid on it. Jaal then reinserted himself into her. He worked his thick one-eyed pole only. No thrusting needed. Thrusting was for vanilla. His whatchamacallit went in and out, wiggling excitedly. “Good golly, Jaal, don’t stop!” Steirwe pleasurably whispered out of her lips using her vocal chords pushing the air from her lungs with her stomach muscles. Her hole squeezed his purple taffy like a gentle caress. The tip of his thingy gently massaged her cervix. “Yup, that feels good!”

“I am glad you’re enjoying my penetrator!” Jaal yowled out.

Now, Steirwe’s innie was special because she was like not like other girls. SHe has advanced biotics and can control it better than anyone else. As a child she was born into a sack of eezo which gave her her superhero like powers. She can even control it through her fleshy flesh-light. Not only was her hole spazzing and vibrating and slick and fruity and had some stubble but that’s okay, Jaal had an itch, but she could use her biotics to add some sparks. Jaal could choot bioelectricity out of his USB stick. It was like a battle of the elements between their nasty bits. In reaction Jaal would growl out, “Buttercream hairspray snowglobe map of a buffalo on a shelf with stars and plants!” It was an idiom in his alien language that didn’t quite translate correctly.

Steirwe laughed hard, this excited his popsicle more, really wriggling in there. They both climaxed at the same time, the whole planet probably heard them. His blue and green penis-juice spilled out of her like a broken sauce packet he just has so much!

Now it was time for phaze two: electric boogaloo.

Jaal turned around and so did Steirwe, they began to rub their buttcheeks together in preparation for more. After enough was charged up, Steirwe began to wiggle her bum hard enough so that the special Jaal-fluid could fly out. It decorated the ground below them. “Oh how lovely!”

They then pressed their backs together and held hands as they grinded their skin against each other, trying to build enough friction to make as much static as possible. A time honored tradition. After there was enough they turned to face each other staring into each other’s sky orbs. 

The electricity jumped from the tip of his jerk-stick to her bean causing another fantastical climax, a type unbeknownst to every other entitity in the known universe. A type only true soulmates can achieve. Between an angara and a human of course. It must be very specific.

They embraced each other afterwards. A hand rubbed a back. Whispers were whispered. It was an embrace, like an intermission except for sex. “This has been a jolly good time.” one said. 

He kissed her, she kissed back. It was great. Their hands explored each other’s bodies, tongues in each other’s mouths. Soft moans expressed between the two. The world around them truly seemed to disappear from their senses, only able to experience the other. Raw emotions expressed. Beauty. Love. Passion. A heart set out for each other. Beating in sync as Jaal’s hand cupped her face to help deepen the kiss. Keeping each other stable as his cock-a-doodle-doo wiggle waggled its way back up Steirwe’s hungry creamed pie.

Then began the standing ovation. Arms wrapped around each other in an eager embrace as they swallowed each other’s moans as his wEINER worked. THey felt at one with each other and the universe, truly a beautiful sensation I’m too lazy to describe. Like, you wish you were them. Sensational, amazing, awesome. “Radical!” Steirwe screamed out in pure pleasure.

“Yeehaw!” Jaal responded. Of course as they are one, they finished together. 

“Wow, that was some gnarly sex, bro!” Steirwe high fived Jaal. Her leaky whole used biotics to make Jaal’s cream disappear. A power no other vagina has. They redressed and wow! It was morning already! Time to take off the crocs and armor back up. They needed to complete their mission of course! 

**Author's Note:**

> The name Steirwe being pronounced as Sara was figured out through a process courteous to this wonderful tiktok, "White names be like" https://www.tiktok.com/@yungshawarma/video/6776100660187303173 <\- which you can watch here! Or if you don't trust TikTok, basically you take the name you wish to transform, then go to spelfabet and look up the letters of the name and write them down, use a random number generator to figure out the new name! (For me my "s" turned into "St" like how it's said in "whistle", "a" turned into "ei" like in reveille, "r" turned into "rw" like in Warwick, the last "a" turned into "e" as in Cheyenne. Tada, Sara -> Steirwe)
> 
> If you made it this far, congratulations! I would love to witness your reactions down in the comments section, so please feel free to leave a comment! 
> 
> No this isn't how I actually write, I was feeling silly and I cackle when my friends react in confusion or horror to shit like this and needed a quick pick-me-up. Some notes: I was drowsy when I wrote this so that may have affected my thought process in writing. It's definitely nice to write something and just...not care about the actual content. Just...let the weirdest shit fly out. 
> 
> Also please note this is not representative of my actual head canons of things. 
> 
> I formally apologize to Jaal for this hfdasjklfhfdasdl


End file.
